Learning to let go.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had this year is how to let go. And by the way, I am not completely there. There are days, I feel like I’m healed and feeling the freedom in my soul and loving myself as I was meant to do. And then, reminders of this year and his death, and quickly all those feelings escape into the dark, and the battle begins. Days spent fighting for my freedom; fighting for my joy. The experience plays over in my mind – over and over, and over. But I think there is a solution to this fight. as cheesy as this may sound, the answer to all this is love. I am realizing that this whole year, I have been beating myself up – blaming and resenting myself for a very unfortunate event that was completely out of my control. Truly love yourself, and everything else will fall into place. I came across a quote the other that has stuck with me. “When you show up as the authentic you, you send out a vibration that co-creates with your surroundings. You attract people into your life that align with your values and what a beautiful frequency you are radiating. If you find yourself feeling “I am hard to love” or “not good enough” check in with yourself.” And that’s what I’m doing, checking in.
Let go of the guilt. The guilt that you’re living, and he’s not.
Let go of his “what if’s.”
Let go of his friends and families pain. It’s not your responsibility to take that on.
Let go of the idea that this kind of punishment creates a connection with him.
Let go of anger, hate, and resentment.
Just let go.
Steps I am taking towards freedom and love.
Step 1: Meditation. For the beginning of my days, and the end of each one, I will spend ten minutes meditating kindness. As I inhale, accept love. As I exhale, let go. As I inhale, you are beautiful. As I exhale, let go. As I inhale, you are love, you are beautiful, and you deserve love. Exhale and let go. Just me and kind thoughts for ten minutes – honestly, shouldn’t we all?
Step 2: Trust. Something interesting happened this past year – I’ve lost my trust in myself and others. Constantly I am trying to control what could happen. It’s not working and it won’t. One, I cannot control anything. Two, if I could, would the result be better. And third, it’s not fair to me or anyone close to me.
Step 3: Passion. I used to spend days drawing, writing, walking, and conversations around life and its beautiful mysteries. I need to find my passions again. New ones, old ones, anything that gets my heart excited.